Anyone who has been married for any period of time realizes that much of the emotional fluff that accompanies courtship, the wedding and the honeymoon of a marriage wear off as reality sets in and adjustments have to be made.
In the last message I gave some practical, remedial principles designed to remove the emotional, mental and personality roadblocks to an effective marriage. The result generated by the implementation of those principles will provide a clean landscape for other foundations to be laid.
The true test of a marriage is not the emotion attached to it but rather its durability. Durability is the result of effective bonding. The Bible teaches that when God created Eve for Adam, they were made one flesh (bonded). Being made one flesh does not have the sense of being glued together like plywood but rather an integration of personality, representing the truest sense of bonding.
It takes time, either before the wedding or after, for real bonding to take place. Bonding is both a process and a result. At some point in the courtship, there is a mental or emotional interest factor that sets up the bonding equation. Additional factors entering in to enhance it are:
1). The frequency of contact or association. Obviously, if there is only limited contact there would be limited opportunity for the relationship to flourish.
2). The complexity of the relationship. The more we are exposed to others in different settings and in different interests the more there is a connecting with an increasing compatibility of minds and emotions which, in turn, encourage the relationship.
3). The degree of commitment involved between the person. The keystone of a flourishing relationship is trust. Trust can be given but it must also be earned. When there is the commitment to love, trust is given. However, if, over a period of time, the trust is betrayed, an erosion of the bonding occurs causing the marriage relationship to begin to wither.
The bonding, which we normally call ‘love,’ is the essential ingredient of a marriage that endures. Emotions will fluctuate with the stress of making a living and rearing children. The time of the month, the condition of the body, the loss or birth of a vision, etc. all effect how we feel. More than anything else, our relationship with the Lord impacts a marriage relationship.
There are several undergirding principles that provide the basis for endurance to develop:
1). Mutual respect. Respect must be merited. It is possible to lose the respect of one’s mate through carelessness, inconsistency, dishonesty, unfaithfulness, irresponsibility plus numerous other negative factors that any of us could mention.
2). Quality communication. Busyness, demands on time, energy and attention by children and job; the developing of conflicting or separate interests, etc. cause a lack of consistent and quality communication. Without communication the spouses lose essential contact with each other in spite of the fact they live together and do man and wife kinds of things.
3). A mutually defined mission statement for the marriage which reflect the unified vision of both spouses. The mission statement should be enhanced by such things as goals, strategies for accomplishment, evaluations that should be vigorously adhered to.
4). The ability to disagree agreeably. Argumentation is a killer for a marriage. When a couple argue, each is trying to convince the other of his point of view while feeling rejected because the other fails or chooses not to see it. Discussion is a necessity if the marriage is to proceed on well-defined and stable grounds. To fail to discuss is to cause a tilting of the marriage relationship by the dominant spouse producing resentment and bitterness. Each should guard the emotions of the other in such times of discussion. When there is evidence of passion on the part of the other, the discussion should be postponed by mutual consent to be taken up again after more information has been gathered or there is a ‘cooling-off’ time.
5). Responsible handling of money. Money can be a tool or it can be a weapon in a marriage. As a tool (in the Godly sense) it functions as a means of security, advancement and achievement. As a weapon it can be used to control the other, to retaliate or just used foolishly or unwisely.
6). Spiritual agreement and commitment. Without Christ the marriage will ultimately lose something–regardless of what that something is. Marriage is ordained of God and should be conducted in keeping with valid spiritual principles.
7). Sexual responsibility. Sexual relationships are a privilege, a pleasure and a responsible act when the marriage is functioning effectively. Both spouses should be aware and concerned about the inherent differences in the emotional and physical makeup between the spouses and be compassionate, careful and considerate in the relationship.
Hopefully, the sharing I have done today has stimulated your thinking and maybe even spurred you into action in enhancing the quality of your marriage.
Jeff
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Jefferson H. and Norma R. Floyd, CO-directors
Jubilee International, Inc.
P. O. Box 3202
Carmel, IN 46082
Copyright December 2000 By Jefferson H. Floyd. All rights reserved
